![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
First Day Back to work and the rest of the day. drive around
May. 27th, 2008 | 10:53 pm
mood: 
blank
SSSssooo..... As, we left off last night I believe we were talking about how I am going to have a good day today because I am going back to work and that was a thing I did on a normal basis before the accident so it will slowly start to make me feel like eveything is coming back to normal....slowly but surely....make sense?? you agree.... Right? Rrrriiight. It was nice got up in the morning...getting ready for work like before... I thought about how my leg would be but didnt worry too much because I wanted to get back in the office. But, it did worry me enough to the point where I put two 500mg tablets of tyenol in my pockect. The good thing is I didnt take them at all day and I plan not to take them tonight before I go to sleep.
Work was great. Things are still busy as they were the last day I was there, I am just taking off from where I left off. Went to work....got subway, came home, applied some heat to my leg and took a nice nap while watching t.v. and waited for Jussie to come back so we can grab a bit together for dinner. We met up, It was a good feeling, happy moment, and met up with god's leaf, and grabbed a bite to eat...Had our moment (i mean in a good way of course) by making the most of it. Then went back to his place.....It was a pretty long day..It was 8 clock and it was still a good amount of daylight outside, more than the normal amount of sunshine. Or maybe i was having a good moment and I didnt want the day to end because I dont really enjoy my nights right before its time to go to sleep.
Emotions- Things are not that well right now....I guess it could always be worse right? I should be walking around with my head down right like the world is falling down... But, I am not going to do that and I am not only talking about my physical situation, I mean everything. Im sorry, I know this only seems like i talk about bad/sad things but I thought majority of this was going to be...right? I do have great DAYS....The last couple of days have been REALLY FUN. Okay....sorry something did bother me tonight...but i had A GOOD DAY... I know that doesnt make sense but it does that doesnt mean cuz one bad thing happened it ruined everything that happened today. I know some people think like that but I dont cuz I guess i kinda got used to that happening??? I dunno?
Okay here's the emotion thats the point of this
So remember yesterday when I was talking about having a good day and If I do have a good day, I am going to try to remember everything, every feelings every emotional and every way about that day so I can continue to try have those good days? Well, I think I learned some of those things today. But, that will be for later so I can compose it a little bit better so you can understand.
Like i said i feel like an inconvience so the last thing I want to do is to inconvience someone else....Its like when a person is happy they want everyone around them to happy as well because its a GOOD FEELING...But feeling like an inconvience or some sort is not a GOOD FEELING. I mean i know will have to depend on some assistance sometimes but I dont want to have to do it to others regardless of what it is for, that is not the point..Its the principle of the whole thing. If i ask one person to do something for me, I wouldnt want that person to ask someone to do what I asked them to begin. Not only does it make me feel like an inconvience, its makes me feel like what I asked for is an inconvience/bother, so they pass it on to someone else, so that's another inconvience to someone else. That obviously means the first person DOESNT want to do it. IF it is someone that is close to me, I DONT CARE what i feel like at the moment I WOULD DO IT FOR THEM REGARDLESS! Especially, if it would like less than 5 minutes to do. I dont care what anyone says, I stand firm on that. I dont feel the need to talk about the situation itself...not worth thinking or talking about anymore....Its just of someone ask you for something so small and they are not able to do so because of physical condition....and you are capable of doing it and you are not doing anything to where you cant 5 minutes to do a favor, wouldnt you do it?? Yah, I thought you would...
That hurt my feelings a bit, but I said what I thought and ignored and didnt bother reading or listening to a reponse because obvious its not going to change and what makes it worse is that it was just discussed over tears last night. So what do I do now...and why im not sad/disappointed now because I'm going to get over and not put myself in that situation unless I feel it is necessary... I thought the conversation last night was an understanding but its apparent from the actions today, the convo went in one ear and out the other. So, no need on discussing it anymore waste of breathe. Im gonna say what I think and feel what Im not discussing bullshit...over it...and I have bigger things to get over and used to right. It will be 3 weeks home fromt the hospital in about 30minutes. Weird huh?_________ Do I lose you sometimes? I feel I write and then lose you because my thoughts are racing but i cant type fast enough to get everything out to make sense....so you have to put the pieces together to know what im talking about but I hope you do get and not think something else...I wrote that because I see that happen within myself.
Remember im suppose to write a lil something about me each entry as a person... I think I only said DANCER, since i have 3 or 4 other entries with out anything words about me, i guess i have to catch up. DANCER, MIDDLE SON, SIGNIFICANT OTHER, I LIKE TO WORKOUT, REAL ESTATE.....these are a couple of things about and what I love to be/do.
You know after I wrote that, I almost feel a little bit better....even though I told you the story about my feelings that just helped because for now on each day im going to remember to give a snippnet of myself to remind me of ME. If that makes sense. Well, If that's the case, i should continue this with you tomorrow. Yah I like this format...THANKS!
Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend
Sleep
May. 26th, 2008 | 02:49 am
Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend
Me as an Elder???
May. 26th, 2008 | 02:10 am
location: HOME
mood: blah
music: NOTHING
You know i just thought of something as I was watching the Martin stand up comedy with Mykel (godsister)....Martin made a joke about people getting old and made a comparison with new borns....He was showing a cycle of life....Example you come into this world withotu any teeth..You live this world with any teeth cuz eventually for most people they fall out...You come into this world not being able to walk, you crawl, then strengthen your legs to walk, well when you are elderly you start to lose your ability to walk and sometimes you will be using a walker or some sort of cane. Then he said or maybe some of you the metal will be leading your way....
So he meant people that have metal in their body maybe from an accident in their younger years ( I have a rod in my right lower leg to aide my tibia to grow back strong and hard, and a plate on my right fibia)....then Martin began to walk as if he was an old person with metal in his leg and they way he was walking was in way where he was not able to pick his leg all the way to walk but was taking wide steps because the metal became heavier as a person age.
I thought to myself is that whats going to happen to me? The doctor (Dr. Swarm) told me it wouldnt affect until I reach the age of 65 or so. So, does that mean I am going to walk like that when I reach that age? If so, I want to have the rod removed. I dont want to walk around like that and feel bad about myself and inconvience my family and others who will be close to me at the time. At 65 or 60 I plan to be healthy and be able to walk when and wherevever I want just like my grandmother does in NY (my mothers mom) and she walks miles and miles and sometimes in the snow and she remains active. Its so encouraging to see elderly people walking around the park in the neighborhood or sometimes in the gym on the treadmill. I am a very active and I also thought of myslef being that type of older person...I will can continue my activities forever.. But, when I heard that joke tonight from Martin Lawrence that kind of put my in another place.... I just want to have days where I am not reminded of what this injury will do to me in future or better yet i dont want to bother thinking about it...Using the cructhes everyday is enough of a reminder.
Today was a good day....Felt good to hang with my family....except when my dad came he got some drinks with my brotherand they disappeared the entire time i was there i talked to my dad for maybe 5 mins and the other 2 hours or so he was outside with my brother then JUSSIE slept 80% of the time...But other than that i guess is was Alright. This is still kinda of new for me, it will be a month next week....So im trying to utilize my days and make them good days rather than bad or mild...cuz i cant handle anything else until I can some what control what im dealing with right now.
Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend
Writer's Block: Commercials: the Best and Worst
May. 25th, 2008 | 12:41 pm
Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend
My mind is Racing....Cant think....
May. 25th, 2008 | 11:41 am
location: Home Computer
mood: 
hopeful
music: Janet Jackson
Hey Canvas,
Hows it going? Im sorry i failed to stay steady with our relationship and communication line. I really want to this because I think it would be a great thing to look back on in the future and see the reason when why we created out story. Its just a lil difficult due to fact with everything that is going on. But, wait thats more of a reason why I should be writing to you right? HA. I know our initial convo I didnt say much about me as a person...I mean i dont know if that is important or not considering the fact you can't tell me about yourself :-). Well, maybe each time I express to you I will give you a lil bit as to who I am starting with today. Also, that will give importance as to why we are going to be friends and it will make sense as we progress. :-) 1st. DANCER.
The other day, which was Mayanthi's (best friend) graduation party at house, something happened. Something that I would NEVER EVER think about nor pay any attention to. But, since the accident I have been thinking about a lot of things and trying to figure as to "WHY" what is the reason for this "IF" everything happens for a reason, what the hell is the reason, and why cant I see it...Or do I see it and tend to ignore it. There is no reason for this UNLESS it is a lesson. I am an accident prone person. Not neccesarily not fault either. Accident after accident years apart....some could have been fatal....everyone says it happens for a reason, some have told me it could be karma (but im a good person for the most part and sure didnt do anything to where my LIFE could be lost), some say it could be spiritual level as if its failing, some say it could be for good for something else. But, overall do I agree with "THESE SAYINGS." Honestly, some i do believe and most I dont. Maybe, I do need a little but more spiritual food, I dont know if you have experience this but when I do visit THE HALL when I leave there I feel a bit replenish and fresh and im sure if one continues that regularly they will feel like that most of lives, which to me is a great thing.
Now, to get back what was so said to Me at Mayanthi's house I had NEVER heard before, I've heard everything else but not this. What's funny is that I also never expected to hear it from a person who is not involved with any sort of religion or spiritual means, that also took me by shock. Janice Criddle (mother of a good friend from high school Lauren) is the person that shared her thoughts with me. When she told me, It was like all other conversations around us had ceased and this was the conversation that I needed to have with her. We were all sitting around each other having good talk with good people, good feeling, you know that comfortable where you just feel you can be yourself around these people and it doesnt matter... A GOOD VIBE...there we go...So we were talking about my accident and previous accidents and how I recover from them but some how some way, they tend to find and happen to me again.
Janice turns to me and says...You know I took a took to South Africa and met a wonderful lady who deals/reads oras and spirits... Janice also said before that trip and on the trip she felt that something was off with her...like she was balanced and things were happening and she didnt know why and couldnt see the reasons after these events had taken place. So, this lady in south africa....We'll call her Helen Healer...reads the ORA of people and help them to become balanced and leveled with the universe to prevent bad things with happening to them. Janice told me "maybe your ORA is completely thrown off and that allows for things to happen to you....in a way these accidents are drawn to you...almost like you are a magnet..." I guess she meant bad spirits and negative forces...to me thats aka as satan. But, satan is around everything but what if this is something worse than that..... what if satan is using another force against me and what if my ORA has something to do with it and that is what satan is using because I am some what protected by family being strong believer of Jehovah Witnesses. This is what I think.
So, lets say Janice is some what correct. Right? I mean accidents being drawn to me as if I am a "magnet" before it was happening with cars now it happened with a motorcycle...So, I am for sure deleting motorcycles out of my life. But the scary is what if Janice is right...or something about what said is slighty true. I thought about it but it didnt hit me til the other day when i was like DAMN...This cant be or it could just mean..I shouldnt be driving in my condition right now...But still...Others would say he shouldnt have been driving but to me it wouldnt like that....I would see it as why is this still happening to me. Janice is right...
I was driving from my house to mykels house with Jussie in the passenger which is about 2 miles away. I was beginning to make a left hand turn ( i had the green arrow, so it was totally my time turn well all other lights were red), There was a car coming towards the driver side (ME) speeding... I slammed on the brakes to the point where the collision would be half of the front right side and about half of my door....at the least minute the care turned right from the middle lane over turning a car that was already in the right lane. I literally felt like whoever was driving that car was playing a game with me...Almost to the point where it was done intentionally. LIke hahahahahahah let me scare you and see how this could happen to you again without you being in the wrong. I mean me and Jussie would have hurt but I would have suffered a lil bit more because I would have taken the impact on my side... Once again directed towards me.
After that happened, we pull into Mykels garage and I lost it....emotionally lost it and shared my thoughts with Jussie. He seemed as he understood what I was saying but probably wasn't expecting to hear that from me. I dont believe in people dealing with spirits, fortune tellers, and crap like that. I really never did even before I learned about Jehovah Witnesses with my parents even before they serious on being Jehovah Witnesses. But, now that fact that I am giving this dream/ora any thought at all is freaking me out. What if satans plan is for me to go one of these people and then my ORA begins completely thrown off and satan used Janice to put that thought in my head and used that car that almost hit me to make it seem so real....to the point where i need to give it a shot???????
And this is what bothers me inside......sounds a bit bizarre doesnt it? Yah it is.... Well this is gonna be our relationship..Bare with me because I dont think we are going to get a lot of answers by ourselves this is going to be journey of growth, until next time.
BREAK.
brandon
Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend
First Entry (just trying)
May. 13th, 2008 | 11:40 am
location: home
mood: 
lonely
music: Neyo/Sade
I am starting this relation with you CANVAS because i feel i need someone to preserve my thoughts, emotions, and expressions throughout my expericence and recovery with my disability/injury. Lets just say injury,disability sounds too depressing right now. The accident happend on May 3rd early Saturday around 2:30am. There is no need to talk about how happend. That i know. This is relation is for things that I am not sure of or not sure sure how to express. Iven been home since the 7th. I thought i would be able to most of things i usually do but that seems not to be the case. I STILL feel like i am in the hospitial but living at home with alot less assistance.
I would like to have a day where i dont feel sad about myself, cry, or be moody, or think about the situation i have put myself in. That day has not yet come. But I am trying to make that happen. I also feel that i am becoming slowly seperate from ALL of my friends and close friends. I understand everyone has their own life to live too but i did speak to some of them on a normal basis. So its a little difficult not to be able to talk to them especially with my inury (thats probably when i need it most). So thats one avenue I am dealing with at the moment, which i am coping with because its something i expected after i was dischraged from the hospital. But, everything I have to deal with....at the end will make me even STRONGER and that is one of the things that is keeping my head up because i know i will prevail over all of this. I dont know what that feeling will be but i cant wait until it comes.
Well, sux cuz blake and rodney are in here now and i cant concentrate with them in here and I dont want them to see what im wiritng to i will talk to you soon CANVAS...